It took me awhile to learn the new rhythm of summer, especially after the fullness of last semester. I'm realizing how much the rhythm of school life has shaped me. There is always something more to do--another paper, another assignment, another book to read, class to go to, meeting to attend, emails to send, exams to study for, presentations to prepare. There is always another task on the to-do list, always another appointment on the calendar, always something else to prepare for or anticipate. I'm always moving and working toward something, trying to find the right answers, trying to prove what I'm learning, trying to get that A.
If there is anything my last 19+ years in school have taught me, it's how to be a student. Every new experience, every new idea, reading or thought is something to learn from. I'm always turning things over, churning it around in my mind until I have it figured out. If there's something I don't understand or don't feel I know well enough, then I search for the answer. Thus the growing stack of library books on my shelf that I never have time to read. In the rhythm of school, knowledge is power, understanding is success, meaning is fulfillment. There is always an ever-present "Why?" or "How?" in my mind.
I've also been realizing how this rhythm has shaped my spirituality. I'm always working toward the next step, always questioning, always trying to understand. Mostly this has been fruitful. All my inner processing and work pushes me to grow. And yet this rhythm can also be dangerous and distorting.
As I've entered in to the more relaxed rhythm of summer time, it actually took me awhile to let go of the rhythm of school and work. Even physically, I felt like I needed to be working on something or going somewhere. Likewise, it is difficult to let go of the desire to understand, to figure out all the "Why?"s and "How?"s and "What?"s and "Where?"s, to grow RIGHT NOW.
This reminds me of an image of a seedling holding a watering can over its head, trying to do all the growing work itself. Sometimes I think I have a heat lamp in my other hand too. I forget that I don't need to do this all myself, or that I'm not even the one creating. I forget that there isn't a deadline for my growth. I'm not the Creator, the Healer, the Cultivator, even the Sower. I'm not the one creating me in God's image. That would be shallow indeed.
True, my work will always be there. I will continually be growing. And God uses my inner processing to create in me. But I'm not the one who has to make sure I "arrive", and on time. I only need to be open to God's creating in me, and to trust that God provides what I need for growth in each moment. I don't need to seek God, to try to find God with all my questions and thinking and reading and praying and processing. It's rather silly that I would want to try to find God, anyway. God is right here, surrounding me, within me, through me. I cannot be without God. All that is truly necessary is to continually become open to the grace of God, to allow God to create and heal and cultivate in me more fully, and to become increasingly aware of God's presence around and within me. All that is really needed is silence.
The sun hears the fields talking about effort
and the sun
smiles,
and whispers to
me,
"Why don't the fields just rest, for
I am willing to do
everything
to help them
grow?"
Rest, my dears, in
prayer.
~"Rest in Prayer" by St. Catherine of Siena
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